everything is about perspective, right? life, religion, happiness, relationships, work and yes, losing weight. sure, i'm still losing weight slowly. i think my average is about 2 lbs. a week. in the grand scheme of things, i should be thrilled, ecstatic even. but here i am, thinking that it should be coming off faster. realistically, i know that this isn't much of an option for me. to lose weight any faster, i would most likely have to be working out 4-5 hours a day, eating much stricter and risk the bounce-back effect. ah yes, that dreaded bounce-back. anyone who has struggled with weight and gone on any number of 'fad' diets knows what the 'bounce-back' is. you follow some ridiculous and extreme diet and the weight drops off faster than ever. then you go back to the 'normal' eating or your life-long habits and boom! the weight bounces right back on. it can be a vicious cycle. i've done it for years. drop 10-15 lbs. and then go back to the old habits just to regain that weight (and usually a few lbs. more). right now i'm at battle with myself to not resort to the fad diets. there are so many reasons against them and really, if i just look at the numbers, i can see that what i'm doing is working.

so here's where i'm at:

total lost in 6 weeks: 22 lbs.
fat % loss: 11%
lean muscle gain: 12 lbs.

when i look at it that way, i'm happy. look at those numbers! there's my proof that all of my hard work is paying off. sure, i'm not the perfect model of weight loss. i still eat things i shouldn't. i still am obsessed with working out and feel guilty if i take even one day off even though i know my body needs that one day. i'm human. i make mistakes. i struggle every single day with my inner voice of self doubt. i need to keep on keepin' on. my hard work is paying off. i just need to stop and smell the roses every once in a while.

loser.

i'm losing again, but in the good way. i am once more seeing those results i've been seeking. i started refocusing 3 weeks ago. refocusing on everything i know is important. watching what i eat (although i will admit i've had my fare share of pizza slices and glasses of wine over the last couple weeks). i walk into the gym with 'killing it' on my mind. i'm taking 20 minutes a day just for myself to do something i love, reading. i'm standing up for myself. i'm staying positive through the ups and downs of raising a 6 year old. i'm happy to report i am down a total of 18 lbs. sure, this just puts me at 252, but you know what that means... i was back up to 270 and miserable. my clothes were getting snug. my size 16 jeans that i love so dearly were barely fitting. i hate that i let myself get back up to that number. but, i'm embracing it as a reminder of where i was and why i never want to go there again. isn't that what this journey is all about? facing my fears head on? you might wonder what it is i would be afraid of, but let me tell you, there is plenty. i've been overweight my entire life (when doctors ask when i became overweight i joke that it was at birth). i have no idea what life is like for a person who is a normal weight. i fear myself and what will become of me. i bet that's hard to understand. but, as someone who has been overweight forever, it has always been my personality that either made me or broke me. there have been plenty of times where i've been instantly rejected for my size. but on the other hand, there have been times (especially in certain social situations) where it's been exclusively my personality that has made me shine. i fear that losing weight will remove all of the barriers and walls i've put up to hide that deep down i am insecure and bitchy and judgemental and lacking in outside stimuli (as my grandma would say). i'm afraid of losing my drive and spark and all the other things that make me who i am. kind of ridiculous right?? but here i am, at constant battle with all of these emotions on a daily basis. so i've formulated a plan to keep fighting the good fight. here's what i've got:

1. accept the things i cannot change and change the things i can.
2. focus on conscious eating. every meal. every day.
3. try one new thing everytime i walk in the gym. whether it's a new ab exercise or those damn box jumps that taunt me.
4. work on getting over myself. this is my journey and is part of who i am. accept it leeann. sheesh.

i'm sure i'll come up with more to add to the list. but for now, these are the things i will focus on.