Here's what happens when I stop focusing on myself and put all of my needs on the backburner so I can take care of a husband who had ankle surgery. I gain weight. Yep. 10 freaking pounds in 10 days. Yes, I know that a lot of that is water retention. Yes, I know that I would have had to ingest 35,000 extra calories over that period. No, I did not. But, I did eat a LOT of things my body has become unaccustom to as I've given myself this little life makeover. I poisoned myself with lots of alcohol, pizza, cookies (I don't even like them, but they were there and I found myself shoveling those little alphabet shaped letters down my gullet every time I walked by the jar), and whatever else I could find to eat. There's no excuse. I have noone to blame but myself. I'm frustrated. I blew off plans with a friend because I was exhausted and my stomach hurt I couldn't move off the couch. Pathetic.

Here's what I'm doing to fix that. This morning I woke up refocused, slightly. I feel like I'm in a funk again, but I can't dwell on my failures. It's too easy to discount all of the hard work I've put in. So... I got up, put my big girl panties back on, and got back on track. I'm teaching cycle this evening. I've made my meal plan for the week. I've written out my workout schedule. There's no excuse now. None. It's up to me to stay on track. If I want to be succesful, I need to to put myself first. Be selfish. This is MY time dammit.

I'm super grumpy today. I have had no sleep and it's monday. I am feeling down and stressed over things I have little to no control over. I'm tired, both literally and in general. Tired from lack of sleep, but tired of feeling like no matter what I do and accomplish, to some people it's never good enough. And so my friends, I ask you this: when will I stop allowing people to make me feel negatively about myself? I ask this because no matter how much weigh I lose, there will always be someone who has lost more. There will always be that person who does such and such as a workout, which seems to downplay all of my workouts. There will always be someone who loses weight faster, runs faster, works out more, eats 'better', etc... than me. Why do I allow all of those things to bug me? It doesn't happen all the time... but every once in a while, these things weigh on me. They eat away at my self confidence, at me. I need to fix this, but then isn't this the plight of most women? There will always be someone to compare yourself or be compared to. Whether you are a size 0 or are a size 20... it is what it is. I need to focus on myself. That's really what it boils down to. Focusing on all of the things that I have control over like my workouts, my eating, dressing a little nicer, putting on a little makeup every once in a while... All of the things that boost my confidence because they make me feel like a better person. Hard work pays off, but you can't diminish the effectiveness of throwing on a cute dress and some heels in boosting self confidence.

Here's the latest weigh in update:

total lost in 12 weeks: 37 lbs. (total since starting at doc office is 43!!)
total fat % lost: -4% this week!!
lean muscle gain: 6 lbs. (lost 10 lbs. of body fat)

I am now 32 lbs. away from my next weight loss goal. 32 lbs. It's so close I can feel it. I am also putting this in writing because I plan on kicking some serious ass. My husband has made the mistake of betting me $492.00 (it was the first number that came to my head ok!) that I cannot get under 180. Umm. I hope he realizes that I am not the kind of girl you tell 'can't do something'. He better get his checkbook ready, cause I'm about to make him eat his words.

I'll be honest. I had no intentions of blogging today, but there I was... surfing the interwebs, looking for a dress for an afternoon tea party coming up and it hit me. That longing I had felt only a handful of times before. You see, when I got married, it was a quick little thing thrown together in 6 weeks. We'd been together for 3 years and we decided to get married. There was no fancy proposal, no whispering of sweet nothings. We were at dinner and he said, 'i think we should get married.' And we did. My parents living room with only family and one friend. My mom performed the ceremony, made my dress, made the food. Grandma bought the cake. It was over in the blink of an eye, and now here I am, 10 years later... longing to throw myself (and Frank) a reception where we can dance and I can wear a fancy dress. Oh the dress... that's what I'm longing for today. A picture of me, on my happiest day, in a beautiful dress looking happy and healthy and not as though someone stuck an airgun in my ear and blew up my head. I know exactly how much I weighed on my wedding day. 263. Yuck. So, here I sit, thinking about my 'under 200 by my birthday goal' and putting on a pretty dress and dancing like noone is watching. Hey, a girl can dream right?

13.1 miles. A half-marathon. And.... one more thing to check off the 'to-do' list. I should have a lot more to say other than that, but I just can't seem to get the words to come across the way I want. I do, first and foremost, want to thank my friend Kendall for being my own personal drill sergeant. She was an amazing support through the whole race! And, although I kinda hate that she was able to be-bop across the finish line like it was just a stroll in the park, I really do love her for being so sweet and encouraging the entire race. She was there for me every step of the way and when my calves started cramping somewhere between mile 9 & 10, she just reminded me that as long as I put one foot in front of the other, this race would be done soon. I did finish. She was right. And, I learned a lot out there yesterday. Here's my top 10 things from yesterday:

1. LeeAnn does NOT like being passed. I should be used to it by now, but there's something about being passed by idiots in tie-dye and colored sunglasses that can really bring me down.
2. I do NOT like loop courses. Nope. Not one bit. I don't want to see the same thing more than once. I'd like to just go and go and go.
3. Flat courses are NOT good for my hip-flexors. Not good at all. That repetitive motion did a number on me and they still hurt :(
4. No matter how brilliant an idea I think it is to not carry fluids on a race course, I should just duct tape the damn bottle to my hand and deal with it. No water = dehydration = cramps = suck-city.
5. I need to force myself to eat bananas (even though they are gross!), potatoes or to take potassium, especially before a race.
6. Breakfast burritos are not a good post-race food unless they wanted to make me barf chunks.
7. Kendall needs to record herself telling me to catch up so I can use that during 'off-season'.
8. Training for races is probably a much smarter idea than going out 2 weeks prior, doing 6 miles and calling it good.
9. There is nothing like the feeling of a little pre-race sing-a-long in the car to get fired up. May I suggest a little 'You might die trying' by DMB.
10. I can't wait to race again.



“The miracle isn't that I finished. The miracle is that I had the courage to start.” John Bingham

What is cheating?

I missed my weigh in (again) last week. Ok, truthfully, I skipped it. I felt like it was going to be a bad one, so I didn't go. That is one habit I really need to break. This journey is all about ups and downs. Some days, some weeks and even some months are a let-down. I can't skip a weigh in just because I think it's not going to be good. I just can't. Last night I forced myself to go. After two weeks of drinking too much wine, working out less and slipping back into some old habits (read: even if mexican food is one of my favorites, dumping a 2 cup bag of cheese on everything is NOT good for my ass), I expected a no loss or gain. I felt bloaty and gross going into the office. I was honest. I told him that I drank too much, ate too much and was a little too nonchalant about everything. Shrugging it off, he told me to get on the scale and when I saw the number I got giddy. Why my body reacts to things the way it does is beyond me. I can be so on point with my eating and work outs and not lose a single pound, but then I slack a little with the eating... work out a few times less and still manage to lose 3 pounds in 2 weeks. I know it's not a 'biggest loser' number, but this is reality. Working full time, being a wife and a mom, taking care of a household, teaching 3+ cycle classes a week and still managing to lose weight makes me proud of what I've accomplished. So here's this weeks results:

total lost in 11 weeks: 32 lbs. (total since starting at doc office is 38!!)
total fat % lost: 17% (boom. another 3% gone!)
lean muscle gain: 5 lbs.

And here lies my question... what defines cheating in weight loss? Life happens. Things happen. Should I feel guilty because of it? Should I make my relationship with food positive only when I've eaten what I THINK I should? To me, the answer is no. It's not black or white with weight loss. Our bodies adapt to our eating patterns. I'm guessing that my body needed to have this little shake up and variance in caloric intake and exercise so that it gets out of whatever rut it was heading towards. Don't worry, I drank a couple margaritas last night and had my tacos for cinco de mayo, but I woke up this morning energetic and with my eye on the prize again. Life happens... and it will continue to happen. It's making the most of it that is most important.

Side note: I put the santa picture on the fridge. I'd say that it's a fitting place to remind me of where I've been, but also of where I'd like to never go again.