There's really no questioning my drive and ambition when it's turned up to high. I'm focused. I've got my eyes on the prize or the tiger or whatever motivational quote you can come up with. Yet, here I am, still stuck in this rut. I had a really long talk with my inner self last night that went something like this:

Her: Why are you not losing weight anymore?
Me: Because I can't see myself thinner than I am and for some reason already feel like I've failed when the real fight is just beginning.
Her: Well, what the hell. You need to snap out of that this instant.
Me: I am sick and I don't feel like doing anything except whining and eating rainbow sherbet.
Her: Teach your class. Eat some soup. Drink some water. Get some sleep. Get your head back in the game.
Me: Ugh. It's not that simple.
Her: It is that simple. One meal and one step at a time. You can do this.


And so, the battle within my own head continues. The good side always reminding me of how far I've come, what I've accomplished and the endless possibilities of what lies ahead. The bad side always reminding me of my failures, my poor choices, my need for instant gratification. I know what needs to be done. It's time to pull out the duct tape and shut that bad mouthing other side of me up once and for all.

why all the silent treatment...

I've neglected this blog once again. The thing about writing about losing weight and working out is that when it's good, it's really good. Weight comes off and muscles get stronger. When it's bad though, it's really bad. There's weight gain and pants get tighter and that endorphin high is barely there or nonexistent. Self esteem becomes like a shrinky-dink in the oven... shriveling into little pieces of it's former self.

This is where I find myself now.

Up a few pounds. Disenchanted with life. Unhappy with myself. Upset that I let myself get to this point again. Angry that I so easily let the actions of other people affect how I feel about myself. Sad that I forget just how far I've come and how hard I had to work to get here. I rejoined Weight Watchers in the hopes that it would kick my ass into gear again. It hasn't. The thing about Weight Watchers (or any other weight loss program) is that it really only works if you follow the program and show up for your weigh-in. Duh. I though that putting my bodybugg back on would get me back on track. Meh. It's (my calorie burn) slowly working it's way back to where I want it to be. I feel like one of those ladies on the lifeline commercials. "I've fallen, and I can't get up." I feel like I'm drowning. Now if I could just figure out how to get back to the surface for a little air....