Well, well, well. I've been off in la-la-land doing lord knows what and not focusing on taking care of myself. It's time to recommit. It's time to recognize that the only thing holding me back from my true potential is, well, me. I still haven't figured out why I have such a hard time seeing myself at my goal weight. Is it because I have never been a 'normal' weight? Is it because I find myself, at 32 years old, the smallest I've ever been in my adult life? Why, when I am so busy working 3 jobs, raising a 6-year old (almost entirely on my own), coaching soccer, playing soccer, and whatever other activities I can find.. do I still feel like I am not the person I was meant to be?

I've decided to take a new approach. I fired the 'weight loss doctor'. I don't need him to tell me what to do. In all honesty, I know what to do... I just need to do it. I contemplated going back to weight watchers because for a long time, it was what worked for me. If I'm going to be honest though, I got really good at 'working' the program 5 days a week and doing whatever I wanted the other two. NOT GOOD. I'm going to focus on eating whole foods (lean proteins, fruits/veggies, whole grains) in moderation. For me, that's the key. Moderation is not something that comes naturally to me. I tend to overindulge. Ok. I don't just tend to... I over-eat, over-booze, over-everything. I know what moderation is. Portion control. One glass of wine instead of the whole bottle (but if my glass can hold a whole bottle does that count? haha. I kid.) I'm going back to the basics. It's what I need to do for me. Since I'm being honest here, I'll just say that I'm tired. I'm tired of fluctuating the same 10 lbs. over and over. I'm tired of the lack of accountability I hold for myself (when so many others rely on me to hold them accountable). I'm exhausted from all the excuses I make for eating like crap (can we all say chips and dips??).

I have a LOT of stuff going on the next few weeks. Sister birthday, grandma birthday, my birthday, trip to the gorge to see dave matthews. These cannot be excuses for me to overindulge. Sure, I know that I am going to get shit-faced drunk at the minimum one night at the gorge. I must plan accordingly. This will be the test. Can I get myself back on track during what will most likely be the busiest 2 weeks this year? I'm counting on it.

being honest

The last 2 weeks have been the most emotionally draining, exhausting weeks I've had in a very long time. I'm full of anger and sadness all at once. I won't be going into details, but let's just say that I hope to never experience these emotions again.

So, here's the real honesty. The last 2 weeks I've lived basically on fast food. Lunch, dinner, red bull. I'm disgusted with myself and there's not really any excuse. I was busy, hurting, trying to just make it through each day with some sort of functionality. I've gained probably 10 lbs. Sure, most of it will be water retention from the sodium, but some of it is certainly from my diet of taco bells and sonics. I woke up monday morning ready to get back to my own life. I'm on the right eating track, planning ahead. I even went and played tennis for a while yesterday. I'm teaching double spins tonight too. I hate the bumps in the road, but it's definitely another great reminder that of this:

Happiness isn't something ready made. It comes from your own actions.

I love when things go the way I want. When I can see results after working so hard at something. This weeks weigh-in update.... down 3 more lbs.!! Hooray! I am still shrinking, still on a mission and that much closer to all of my goals. Now I am just a measley 6 lbs. from the -150 mark. 6 lbs. I can do it! I plan on a lot of extra workouts, being back on my plan 87% (a girl needs some wine every once in a while) and really just all around kicking ass. I am planning to post a 'before' and after picture for all to see... however, the only pic I can find is me about 15 lbs. lighter than my heaviest. Although, I am pretty sure that when you are that big, 15 lbs. isn't gonna show.

Happy dance! Happy dance!

Something's coming, I don't know what it is but it is gonna be great.

If you haven't seen Westside Story, then you probably don't remember the song with that line in it. But I do cause it's: #1. one of my favorite movies ever and #2. a great line. But the truth is, I do know what's coming. There is a HUGE milestone in my weightloss journey coming up. HUGE. I am just 9 lbs. away from having lost a grand total of 150 lbs. It's a little strange to think that I've lost an entire person. I am super excited to hit that number. So, tonight I have my weekly weigh-in. I am ready... I wish it was now so I could see how much closer I am.

Wish me luck!

I've been taking happy pills. Ok, not really, but I've been doing little things to make big changes in my life. I'm reading a money management book by Suze Orman. I decided that it's time to take control of my finances and really work towards getting into a house. Sure, I've talked about it many, many times before... but I never really took any steps towards acheiving it. I now have my first credit card, have made my first purchase and also my first payment. I also started watching Hoarders and am pretty sure that show has given me OCD. All I want to do is clean. I want to sort and organize and dust and get rid of anything that really means nothing. I'm doing it at work and at home. I reorganized the plants in my little garden area, pulled weeds and am starting to hang some of my birdhouses and knick-knacks. I'm cleaning out boxes of stuff that have been in my closet for 6 years. I'm getting rid of clothes that don't fit me anymore. I'm focusing my energy on all things positive. After all, energy flows where attention goes right? I'm treating myself the way I should be treating myself. I take a moment each day to focus on seeing myself at my goal weight. Each day I focus on one meal at a time. Mentally, I'm in such a good place right now it's almost scary! So, here's what all that positive change and focus has done:

total lost in 15 weeks: 41 lbs.
total fat % lost: down another 3%
lean muscle gain: 3 lbs. (pretty darn good for not lifting a single weight over the past few weeks)

So, here's what I've got going on now. My silly husband has bet me $50 that I can't lose 29 lbs. before my birthday. Ha! I suppose I should thank him for lighting the fire under my ass again cause I am on a mission to make that man pay. I am refocused, re-energized and ready to meet next big goal. I've got healthy recipes ready, workouts planned and a new belt that will show me some extra progress since it can't just be about the number on the scale, now can it?

Redemption Song (cue a little Bob Marley)

There have been things that happened to me when I was bigger that have really stuck with me. Mentally, these are the things that really mess with my head and self esteem just when I think I've overcome them. This weekend, I got redemption from at least one of those things. It was a nice reminder of where I've come from and a swift kick in the pants reminder of where I'm headed.

Flashback about 5 years. There I was, at my heaviest, and in complete denial of how big I really was. I was on the road to nowhere, fast. I went with my family down to the waterfront during Rose Festival. Every year, during the first part of June, the Rose Festival takes over Portland with it's parades and events and the waterfront village. For those of you that don't know, the waterfront village is basically a giant carnival with rides, games, food and concerts. Anyway, my sister and I were riding rides and people watching when I saw this super fun ride that I really wanted to go on. Basically, you sit in a seat with the bars that come down over you and the thing spins in a giant circle, then turns on it's side and then turns upside down (all while spinning). I love stuff like that, so I forked over the tickets and got on. But then, disaster. I didn't fit... and the nasty, meth-head carni came over, tried to push the bar down and when it wouldn't, he said, 'suck it in' and then proceeded to slam the bars down onto my chest as hard as he could. I was mortified. I was humiliated. I was hurt, both physically and emotionally. I quietly exited the ride with my head hung in shame and cried. My sister was furious and wanted to go back to tell the guy off, but all I wanted to do was run away. That was one of those moments being super heavy, that has stuck with me all these years. I wouldn't wish that on anyone else. Ever.

Flashforward to Friday night. There I was, walking around the Rose Festival with a couple friends, when I saw it. The very same ride. It was too good to be true. I decided that this was my chance to remind myself how far I've come. I told my 2 friends what had happened to me the last time I'd been on that ride and how I really really wanted to go get some redemption. Matt was convinced. He even ponied up the tickets for me! (Thanks Matt) And we went and watched it for a minute. I started getting a little nervous about it and told my other friend that I didn't think I was going to fit. She kindly told me to shut the hell up and to get on. I got on and started really worrying that I wasn't going to fit, but then I sat down and... I fit... and there was extra room. I nervously asked the guy working if it fit ok and he said it looked fine and made sure the bar wouldn't lift up at all and that was that. The ride started, I laughed my ass off and I got my redemption. Best $4 spent ever. I really needed that. Another little reminder of who I used to be, and who I am now. Booyah!

On another note, I am back on track with my eating and my workouts and headed right back down my path never traveled. Sure, I've still got 35 lbs. to drop to make my birthday goal, but you know what? I can do anything I set my mind to. Just watch me.

Here's what happens when I stop focusing on myself and put all of my needs on the backburner so I can take care of a husband who had ankle surgery. I gain weight. Yep. 10 freaking pounds in 10 days. Yes, I know that a lot of that is water retention. Yes, I know that I would have had to ingest 35,000 extra calories over that period. No, I did not. But, I did eat a LOT of things my body has become unaccustom to as I've given myself this little life makeover. I poisoned myself with lots of alcohol, pizza, cookies (I don't even like them, but they were there and I found myself shoveling those little alphabet shaped letters down my gullet every time I walked by the jar), and whatever else I could find to eat. There's no excuse. I have noone to blame but myself. I'm frustrated. I blew off plans with a friend because I was exhausted and my stomach hurt I couldn't move off the couch. Pathetic.

Here's what I'm doing to fix that. This morning I woke up refocused, slightly. I feel like I'm in a funk again, but I can't dwell on my failures. It's too easy to discount all of the hard work I've put in. So... I got up, put my big girl panties back on, and got back on track. I'm teaching cycle this evening. I've made my meal plan for the week. I've written out my workout schedule. There's no excuse now. None. It's up to me to stay on track. If I want to be succesful, I need to to put myself first. Be selfish. This is MY time dammit.

I'm super grumpy today. I have had no sleep and it's monday. I am feeling down and stressed over things I have little to no control over. I'm tired, both literally and in general. Tired from lack of sleep, but tired of feeling like no matter what I do and accomplish, to some people it's never good enough. And so my friends, I ask you this: when will I stop allowing people to make me feel negatively about myself? I ask this because no matter how much weigh I lose, there will always be someone who has lost more. There will always be that person who does such and such as a workout, which seems to downplay all of my workouts. There will always be someone who loses weight faster, runs faster, works out more, eats 'better', etc... than me. Why do I allow all of those things to bug me? It doesn't happen all the time... but every once in a while, these things weigh on me. They eat away at my self confidence, at me. I need to fix this, but then isn't this the plight of most women? There will always be someone to compare yourself or be compared to. Whether you are a size 0 or are a size 20... it is what it is. I need to focus on myself. That's really what it boils down to. Focusing on all of the things that I have control over like my workouts, my eating, dressing a little nicer, putting on a little makeup every once in a while... All of the things that boost my confidence because they make me feel like a better person. Hard work pays off, but you can't diminish the effectiveness of throwing on a cute dress and some heels in boosting self confidence.

Here's the latest weigh in update:

total lost in 12 weeks: 37 lbs. (total since starting at doc office is 43!!)
total fat % lost: -4% this week!!
lean muscle gain: 6 lbs. (lost 10 lbs. of body fat)

I am now 32 lbs. away from my next weight loss goal. 32 lbs. It's so close I can feel it. I am also putting this in writing because I plan on kicking some serious ass. My husband has made the mistake of betting me $492.00 (it was the first number that came to my head ok!) that I cannot get under 180. Umm. I hope he realizes that I am not the kind of girl you tell 'can't do something'. He better get his checkbook ready, cause I'm about to make him eat his words.

I'll be honest. I had no intentions of blogging today, but there I was... surfing the interwebs, looking for a dress for an afternoon tea party coming up and it hit me. That longing I had felt only a handful of times before. You see, when I got married, it was a quick little thing thrown together in 6 weeks. We'd been together for 3 years and we decided to get married. There was no fancy proposal, no whispering of sweet nothings. We were at dinner and he said, 'i think we should get married.' And we did. My parents living room with only family and one friend. My mom performed the ceremony, made my dress, made the food. Grandma bought the cake. It was over in the blink of an eye, and now here I am, 10 years later... longing to throw myself (and Frank) a reception where we can dance and I can wear a fancy dress. Oh the dress... that's what I'm longing for today. A picture of me, on my happiest day, in a beautiful dress looking happy and healthy and not as though someone stuck an airgun in my ear and blew up my head. I know exactly how much I weighed on my wedding day. 263. Yuck. So, here I sit, thinking about my 'under 200 by my birthday goal' and putting on a pretty dress and dancing like noone is watching. Hey, a girl can dream right?

13.1 miles. A half-marathon. And.... one more thing to check off the 'to-do' list. I should have a lot more to say other than that, but I just can't seem to get the words to come across the way I want. I do, first and foremost, want to thank my friend Kendall for being my own personal drill sergeant. She was an amazing support through the whole race! And, although I kinda hate that she was able to be-bop across the finish line like it was just a stroll in the park, I really do love her for being so sweet and encouraging the entire race. She was there for me every step of the way and when my calves started cramping somewhere between mile 9 & 10, she just reminded me that as long as I put one foot in front of the other, this race would be done soon. I did finish. She was right. And, I learned a lot out there yesterday. Here's my top 10 things from yesterday:

1. LeeAnn does NOT like being passed. I should be used to it by now, but there's something about being passed by idiots in tie-dye and colored sunglasses that can really bring me down.
2. I do NOT like loop courses. Nope. Not one bit. I don't want to see the same thing more than once. I'd like to just go and go and go.
3. Flat courses are NOT good for my hip-flexors. Not good at all. That repetitive motion did a number on me and they still hurt :(
4. No matter how brilliant an idea I think it is to not carry fluids on a race course, I should just duct tape the damn bottle to my hand and deal with it. No water = dehydration = cramps = suck-city.
5. I need to force myself to eat bananas (even though they are gross!), potatoes or to take potassium, especially before a race.
6. Breakfast burritos are not a good post-race food unless they wanted to make me barf chunks.
7. Kendall needs to record herself telling me to catch up so I can use that during 'off-season'.
8. Training for races is probably a much smarter idea than going out 2 weeks prior, doing 6 miles and calling it good.
9. There is nothing like the feeling of a little pre-race sing-a-long in the car to get fired up. May I suggest a little 'You might die trying' by DMB.
10. I can't wait to race again.



“The miracle isn't that I finished. The miracle is that I had the courage to start.” John Bingham

What is cheating?

I missed my weigh in (again) last week. Ok, truthfully, I skipped it. I felt like it was going to be a bad one, so I didn't go. That is one habit I really need to break. This journey is all about ups and downs. Some days, some weeks and even some months are a let-down. I can't skip a weigh in just because I think it's not going to be good. I just can't. Last night I forced myself to go. After two weeks of drinking too much wine, working out less and slipping back into some old habits (read: even if mexican food is one of my favorites, dumping a 2 cup bag of cheese on everything is NOT good for my ass), I expected a no loss or gain. I felt bloaty and gross going into the office. I was honest. I told him that I drank too much, ate too much and was a little too nonchalant about everything. Shrugging it off, he told me to get on the scale and when I saw the number I got giddy. Why my body reacts to things the way it does is beyond me. I can be so on point with my eating and work outs and not lose a single pound, but then I slack a little with the eating... work out a few times less and still manage to lose 3 pounds in 2 weeks. I know it's not a 'biggest loser' number, but this is reality. Working full time, being a wife and a mom, taking care of a household, teaching 3+ cycle classes a week and still managing to lose weight makes me proud of what I've accomplished. So here's this weeks results:

total lost in 11 weeks: 32 lbs. (total since starting at doc office is 38!!)
total fat % lost: 17% (boom. another 3% gone!)
lean muscle gain: 5 lbs.

And here lies my question... what defines cheating in weight loss? Life happens. Things happen. Should I feel guilty because of it? Should I make my relationship with food positive only when I've eaten what I THINK I should? To me, the answer is no. It's not black or white with weight loss. Our bodies adapt to our eating patterns. I'm guessing that my body needed to have this little shake up and variance in caloric intake and exercise so that it gets out of whatever rut it was heading towards. Don't worry, I drank a couple margaritas last night and had my tacos for cinco de mayo, but I woke up this morning energetic and with my eye on the prize again. Life happens... and it will continue to happen. It's making the most of it that is most important.

Side note: I put the santa picture on the fridge. I'd say that it's a fitting place to remind me of where I've been, but also of where I'd like to never go again.

I will warn you that this post might be a little all over the place. I realized last night as I was laying in bed that I hadn't written a little check in blog after my last weigh in, so I'll be doing that. But, there's also a little something I need to vent about. Let's just hope I can refrain from sounding like a complete bitch while I do.

Progress Progress!

total lost in 9 weeks: 26 lbs.
fat % lost: 14% and as long as it keeps dropping, I am a happy girl!
lean muscle gain: no change in 2 weeks

It's starting to show. All of my hard work is paying off and other people are noticing. I had one of the trainers at the gym stop me to tell me I was looking really good and that she could tell I was dropping weight! Yay! Even people at the gym I rarely talk to have made comments about it. Ah... you have to love the little non-scale victories wherever they may show up. Besides the actual weight loss number, one number I hadn't given much thought to was BMI. It's just not something I've cared about. That stupid number is what classified me as 'morbidly obese' at one time. At my heaviest, my BMI was 59. I think that's why I ignored it... just another label and way to put myself down. When I re-discovered my mojo 9 weeks ago, my BMI was 43. Technically, I was still classified at that point as morbidly obese. But now, my BMI is 39. This makes me just obese. Sure, I still hate that label, but you know what? It's a heck of a lot better than where I was before and really puts me just 9 points away from being just overweight. I'm ok with that. I know that getting to that point means losing another 50 lbs. It means finally getting under that dreaded 200 lb. mark once and for all. And it means that i'm doing a darn good job fighting for myself.

Speaking of getting under the 200 lb. mark.... I set a goal. It's realistic and doable and I am not messing around anymore being mediocre. That being said, I am going to bust my ass over the next 4 months to get under 200. It's not that far off. The bonus is summer is coming and for a girl who loves fresh produce and fruit straight from the farmers markets and farm stands, summer is the time to drop weight. My birthday is the first weekend in September. Normally, the family would make our annual pilgrimage to mecca aka going to the gorge to see the dave matthews band. This year, the band isn't touring. Instead they've decided to hold 4 multi-day, multi-artist concerts... and while this does appeal to me in a few ways, the consensus of the family is that $200 to see artists that we like, but don't love and DMB once or twice is just not that appealing. Especially when you consider dealing with the douchenozzle frat boys and skanky girls there because it's the cool thing to do and not because the music is good. So here's the tentative plan. Me and my sister are going to get in the car with tents, energy drinks, cd's and maybe a map and drive. I'm excited already! Is it september yet?

And now for a vent by yours truly.

So there I was, Easter morning, teaching one of the hardest and most kick ass cycling classes to date. People were pouring sweat, rolling their eyes at me with every resistance change and working hard. With five minutes left in class, an older woman (in her late 50's) came in. She was wearing normal street clothes (which is pretty odd for coming into a cycling class) and got on the bike wearing no shoes. Umm. WTF. Class ends, we stretch, people say thanks and goodbyes and this women starts to engage me in conversation. I'm kinda trying to rush out because I have 2 soccer games to get to, but I listen to her vent about the yoga instructor not showing up. That sucks, but things happen and it was Easter so probably not the easiest day for the gym to find a sub. I give her some ideas on how to approach the appropriate people regarding her frustration. She then says, 'so what's your deal? why are you an instructor?' I politely tell her that I've been taking cycle for 4 years, it's helped me lose a lot of weight and I like motivating and pushing others to better themselves. She asks me how much weight I've dropped and what I eat. I give her the quick rundown of how I've lost about 130 lbs. and that I dropped the majority of it on weight watchers, but have now completely changed how I eat (5-6 small meals a day, extra protein, etc...) to which she replies, 'well, i'm looking at you and i see a lot of inflammation and edema. i'd like to give you some nutritional advise and tweak your food intake.' So here's where I want to fly off the handle. I want to yell at her to shut the f up because #1 it's really not her business #2 I don't appreciate being sold nutritional advise while I'm working at a gym #3 what I'm doing is obviously working so why would i 'tweak' it just because some overweight (yes, i said it... she was also overweight (i'd say about 185-195 lbs)) 'nutritional expert' tells me to? I told her I was in a hurry to get to soccer and gave her my junk email address to send me her information. Then I left the gym fuming! I'm not trying to bash nutritionists. I'm not trying to say that I know everything about losing weight or diet or exercise. I guess my frustration is in not understanding why a complete stranger would try to sell me on changing my diet when I clearly stated that I'd lost a LOT of weight on my own. I've had a few friends make suggestions about switching diets or making exceptions to what I'm eating. Even then, I sometimes get frustrated because sure, I've struggled with plateau's and lack of motivation and with my own self doubt, but when I find a plan that's doable, I do it. Weight watchers did wonderful things for me for a long time, but right now, that's not what I'm doing. It doesn't make it any less of a plan, but what it does do is remind me that diets and nutrition plans are just that... plans. If you stick to the plan, you'll get the results. If you don't, you don't. Simple. I vented my frustration about this woman to my friend whose only response was, 'I'm surprised you didn't tell her to shut the f up.' Part of me wishes I had, but part of me is glad I didn't risk my job as a cycle instructor to put some know-it-all woman in her place. Vent over.

Things to ponder...

I have all of these questions running through my head... it's not that i'm seeking a black or white answer though. It's more that I just need to get them out there so other people know what i'm thinking. Here's a few:

At what point will I recognize that I am no longer over 300 lbs?

Will I ever be satisfied with my weight? and... will I ever get to the point where that stupid number on the scale has little meaning in the grand scheme of my life?

Will there reach a point when I will walk into a store and not instinctively go for the largest size?

Can I ever truly feel confident or will I always feel like I'm faking it?

At what point can I declare my divorce from Lane Bryant as official?

Will I ever look in the mirror and be truly satisfied?

Today will be a good day. Sure, I'm sick with a head cold and the WORST sore throat in history. My ears are plugged. I'm super whiney. But none of that matters. Why? Because today I finally met a goal I've been working towards for a very long time. Today I registered to be a bone marrow donor.

You might remember me talking about this a while back. I've been wanting to register for a pretty long time, but I've always been too big. There are certain requirements of a donor and one of them is not weighing over a certain amount. Today I woke up and weighed less than the maximum weight. It's also the first time since my sophomore year of high school that I have weighed this little. It's certainly not official since it was just on my scale at home (which I know runs about 2 lbs heavier than the doctors office). Who cares? Not me... because seeing any number less than where I've been is always a good thing.

The past few weeks have been kind of a whirlwind. I've lost someone I love to cancer and someone I knew a long time ago to another type of cancer. Through times like these, I always want to slip back into the old habit of feeding my feelings. I want to be sad. I want to throw things. I want to go buy a case of beer and some chips and put myself into a carb-laden coma. But times have changed and I'm not really that person anymore. The person who looks to food for comfort. The girl who hides behind her pizza and popcorn and salty treats. The girl who sits on the sidelines wanting to be in the race. Who I am now is the girl who will take a medicine ball to the face during training and keep working because pain is temporary. Who I am now is the girl who chooses to use food as fuel, not as a friend. The one who will push myself until I have nothing left to give. Today I'm the girl who is embracing life each and every day, trying to accept myself at face value and reaching my goals.

This is the life of a go-getta.


RIP Grandma Girlie and Greg. You will both be missed tremendously.

progress...

Slowly but surely I am working my way downward. I am just 4 measely pounds from the smallest I have ever been since I was a sophomore in high school. I'm not going to mention how long ago that was, but let's just say it's been more than 10 years. Ha!
I've put together a plan of attack and I WILL get under 240. No joke. I will then get under 230... and so on. So here's where I am at this week:

total lost in 7 weeks: 22.5 lbs.
fat % lost: 13% (yes! another 2% off my butt)
lean muscle gain: 3.5 lbs.

How can I not be thrilled about that? My body is changing. My life is changing. I realized this week while getting dressed that all of my underoos are saggy in the butt. It's really not attractive. My favorite jeans are falling down when I walk. It's almost time to ditch them completely. Today I am wearing a pair in the same size, same brand, same everything except I'm pretty darn sure that these are really a 14 and not a 16 cause holy cow, I can't breathe. Ha! Actually, they fit pretty darn well and I am guessing they are more of a true size 16 and not a fat lady store 16. You know what? I am totally ok with that. They say it's good to reflect on where you've been so you can move forward from where you are now. So here's a special little treat for all of you. It's a picture of me at my almost heaviest. I'm guessing I weigh about 350 here. Maybe a little more. I'm fatter than Santa. That will NEVER be me again.

everything is about perspective, right? life, religion, happiness, relationships, work and yes, losing weight. sure, i'm still losing weight slowly. i think my average is about 2 lbs. a week. in the grand scheme of things, i should be thrilled, ecstatic even. but here i am, thinking that it should be coming off faster. realistically, i know that this isn't much of an option for me. to lose weight any faster, i would most likely have to be working out 4-5 hours a day, eating much stricter and risk the bounce-back effect. ah yes, that dreaded bounce-back. anyone who has struggled with weight and gone on any number of 'fad' diets knows what the 'bounce-back' is. you follow some ridiculous and extreme diet and the weight drops off faster than ever. then you go back to the 'normal' eating or your life-long habits and boom! the weight bounces right back on. it can be a vicious cycle. i've done it for years. drop 10-15 lbs. and then go back to the old habits just to regain that weight (and usually a few lbs. more). right now i'm at battle with myself to not resort to the fad diets. there are so many reasons against them and really, if i just look at the numbers, i can see that what i'm doing is working.

so here's where i'm at:

total lost in 6 weeks: 22 lbs.
fat % loss: 11%
lean muscle gain: 12 lbs.

when i look at it that way, i'm happy. look at those numbers! there's my proof that all of my hard work is paying off. sure, i'm not the perfect model of weight loss. i still eat things i shouldn't. i still am obsessed with working out and feel guilty if i take even one day off even though i know my body needs that one day. i'm human. i make mistakes. i struggle every single day with my inner voice of self doubt. i need to keep on keepin' on. my hard work is paying off. i just need to stop and smell the roses every once in a while.

loser.

i'm losing again, but in the good way. i am once more seeing those results i've been seeking. i started refocusing 3 weeks ago. refocusing on everything i know is important. watching what i eat (although i will admit i've had my fare share of pizza slices and glasses of wine over the last couple weeks). i walk into the gym with 'killing it' on my mind. i'm taking 20 minutes a day just for myself to do something i love, reading. i'm standing up for myself. i'm staying positive through the ups and downs of raising a 6 year old. i'm happy to report i am down a total of 18 lbs. sure, this just puts me at 252, but you know what that means... i was back up to 270 and miserable. my clothes were getting snug. my size 16 jeans that i love so dearly were barely fitting. i hate that i let myself get back up to that number. but, i'm embracing it as a reminder of where i was and why i never want to go there again. isn't that what this journey is all about? facing my fears head on? you might wonder what it is i would be afraid of, but let me tell you, there is plenty. i've been overweight my entire life (when doctors ask when i became overweight i joke that it was at birth). i have no idea what life is like for a person who is a normal weight. i fear myself and what will become of me. i bet that's hard to understand. but, as someone who has been overweight forever, it has always been my personality that either made me or broke me. there have been plenty of times where i've been instantly rejected for my size. but on the other hand, there have been times (especially in certain social situations) where it's been exclusively my personality that has made me shine. i fear that losing weight will remove all of the barriers and walls i've put up to hide that deep down i am insecure and bitchy and judgemental and lacking in outside stimuli (as my grandma would say). i'm afraid of losing my drive and spark and all the other things that make me who i am. kind of ridiculous right?? but here i am, at constant battle with all of these emotions on a daily basis. so i've formulated a plan to keep fighting the good fight. here's what i've got:

1. accept the things i cannot change and change the things i can.
2. focus on conscious eating. every meal. every day.
3. try one new thing everytime i walk in the gym. whether it's a new ab exercise or those damn box jumps that taunt me.
4. work on getting over myself. this is my journey and is part of who i am. accept it leeann. sheesh.

i'm sure i'll come up with more to add to the list. but for now, these are the things i will focus on.

i'm baaaaaaaaaaacccccckkkk!!!

yeah baby. it's me. that girl who's been at battle with herself. fighting the good fight. it's true, i'm back. back at the gym full force. back on the soccer field with a vengeance. back on track to drop this extra weight. back to shucking the oysters of life.

so what gives? where did it all go and how did i get it back? well, i can't really say where it went cause i don't know. i couldn't seem to find it. i was lost without a phone call, without a map and without the drive to find the way myself. but, here i am with the fire inside again ready to take on the world. ready for change. i'm back to making healthy food choices. i'm on point at the gym. in fact, i even joined a new gym to mix things up. Crunch. it's awesome. they have different equipment, better treadmills, different classes and those damn boxes. i have a mental block when it comes to those darn things. i freak myself out. i feel like an idiot. but, it's my goal every time i walk through the doors at crunch to do a box jump. so far, so good. i've picked up another cycle class to teach so i'm now at 3 classes a week and pick-up when i can. i'm playing soccer on sundays with 2 different teams. i'm working out with someone who can push me as hard as my trainer. i'm back in the game and loving it.

i have pneumonia. i'm sick and whiney and i don't feel good. that's all.

There's really no questioning my drive and ambition when it's turned up to high. I'm focused. I've got my eyes on the prize or the tiger or whatever motivational quote you can come up with. Yet, here I am, still stuck in this rut. I had a really long talk with my inner self last night that went something like this:

Her: Why are you not losing weight anymore?
Me: Because I can't see myself thinner than I am and for some reason already feel like I've failed when the real fight is just beginning.
Her: Well, what the hell. You need to snap out of that this instant.
Me: I am sick and I don't feel like doing anything except whining and eating rainbow sherbet.
Her: Teach your class. Eat some soup. Drink some water. Get some sleep. Get your head back in the game.
Me: Ugh. It's not that simple.
Her: It is that simple. One meal and one step at a time. You can do this.


And so, the battle within my own head continues. The good side always reminding me of how far I've come, what I've accomplished and the endless possibilities of what lies ahead. The bad side always reminding me of my failures, my poor choices, my need for instant gratification. I know what needs to be done. It's time to pull out the duct tape and shut that bad mouthing other side of me up once and for all.

why all the silent treatment...

I've neglected this blog once again. The thing about writing about losing weight and working out is that when it's good, it's really good. Weight comes off and muscles get stronger. When it's bad though, it's really bad. There's weight gain and pants get tighter and that endorphin high is barely there or nonexistent. Self esteem becomes like a shrinky-dink in the oven... shriveling into little pieces of it's former self.

This is where I find myself now.

Up a few pounds. Disenchanted with life. Unhappy with myself. Upset that I let myself get to this point again. Angry that I so easily let the actions of other people affect how I feel about myself. Sad that I forget just how far I've come and how hard I had to work to get here. I rejoined Weight Watchers in the hopes that it would kick my ass into gear again. It hasn't. The thing about Weight Watchers (or any other weight loss program) is that it really only works if you follow the program and show up for your weigh-in. Duh. I though that putting my bodybugg back on would get me back on track. Meh. It's (my calorie burn) slowly working it's way back to where I want it to be. I feel like one of those ladies on the lifeline commercials. "I've fallen, and I can't get up." I feel like I'm drowning. Now if I could just figure out how to get back to the surface for a little air....