Wednesday, February 24, 2010

From today...

I find myself at some ridiculous crossroads today. Feeling down with really no reason and being overly critical of myself. It's my fault really. I brought it on myself. But, for anyone to truly understand where my head is at now, you need to know where my head used to be.

You see, I used to weigh 367 lbs. Noone knew except me cause I knew how to hide. I avoided pictures. I wore baggy clothes with spandex shrinker dealies underneath. I wore a size 32 pants. Not waist, but size. I wore a 26/28 shirt or a 3 or 4x. I never went anywhere and buried myself with work and food and pretty much anything else that would make me temporarily forget how miserable I felt. Miserable. That's pretty much the only word to describe how I felt. I stopped doing all the things that I love and really stopped being who I am.

I got completely fed up with my weight holding me back from doing things that I love like soccer and swimming. I started playing soccer again. At 367 lbs., it is not easy to play soccer. I lost a few lbs. playing, but nothing significant. I started weight watchers and found a walking buddy. I lost 40 lbs. Then my walking buddy moved to Arizona and I stopped going to meetings and gained every one of those 40 lbs. back. And I lost another couple years of my life hiding but dropping a few lbs. without even trying.

Last year something in me changed. I stopped hiding. I joined Team in Training. I started losing weight but not really keeping track. Over a period of 6 months, my weight dropped to 280 and I completed 2 sprint triathlons and an olympic distance triathlon. I found a love for triathlons that I don't even feel for soccer (a sport I've played since kindergarten). Immediately after the triathlon, I felt lost. I gained 20 lbs. back. I was at 300 lbs. starting to feel old habits coming back with a quickness. So last October I rejoined weight watchers. I started going to the gym religiously. I started becoming a new person. I worked hard at it. Counting points and hours of cardio began paying off. I dropped 40 lbs. pretty quickly. I signed up for a 25k trail run. I registered for triathlons. I set a very big long-term goal of completing an Ironman. I became crazy! Haha.

Last Saturday, I completed the trail run. 25k on a trail. It was brutal and one of the most challenging things I have ever done. But, I got injured. My hip-flexor is painful and swollen. It hurts to even walk. And this is why I find myself at a ridiculous crossroads. The old me would give up, return to the old habits and be done. The new me wants to hit the burn at the gym, but is forced to rest and visit the acupuncturist. My mind does not like this one bit. I whine. I complain. I want to go to the gym. I NEED TO GO TO THE GYM! But, what I really need is to figure out a better outlet for my feelings besides running on a treadmill for an hour. My sister suggested this. A way for me to let people know how I'm doing with my training, weight loss, etc. And here it is... I am going to continue counting my weight watchers points, going to the gym (easy easy easy for now) and working towards that Ironman. I am going to post my weight online for the world to see. Nothing will hold me accountable for my weight loss like letting the whole internets know when I've been good or when I've been not so good.

Wish me luck. My current weight is 252 lbs. My goal is to be under 200 by November 21st. the day I would like to register for Ironman 2011. Haha. I really am a crazy new person.

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