Holy neglected blog batman...

I can hardly believe my last post was in August. What in the world have I been doing all this time??

There's really nothing I can say for the months of September - December. I went to see Dave Matthews, went to Vegas, tried hitting every party I could.. basically went buckwild with eating everything in sight, while still teaching 4 classes a week at the gym and playing on 2 soccer teams. I started gaining weight. One little pound here.. one little pound there. Here a pound, there a pound, holy night my butt got big. Then in January, I really did a number on myself while playing soccer. I tore my ACL and my MCL. Both. Not just one and done. Nope, that's not my style. It's always "Go big or go home" right? So, now I am down for the count. No working out except walking in the pool and only forward and back in a straight line, no lower body workouts at all, physical therapy 2 times a week which is more like an hour at a time of all out torture. (Seriously, who decided that rubbing a metal plate on my knee was a good idea? That HURTS!!)

And now what? Here I am, back to where I was a year ago... and feeling like a fish out of water. I've had a rough couple of weeks being debbie downer and feeling sorry for myself, a stressful time at work, a child who has decided she hates school... but I am slowly picking up the pieces. Sure, I might take one step forward and two hundred eighty two steps back, but there is always some forward progress in the end. I've had a heck of a time getting back on track with eating well. I mean, Forrest Gump said life was like a box of chocolates, but chocolate is disgusting... and I'm pretty sure he really meant life is a heaping plate of nachos washed down with 4 beers. I realize that it's all about small steps. I am going to enjoy my 11th year wedding anniversary this weekend and then it's on. Time to start cutting back on all of those things I've been letting myself indulge in. Time to start food journaling again. Time to get my rear in gear. After all... isn't that really what it's all about with me anyway? Rear in gear. Rev up your engines. It's GO time.

P.S. Thanks to all of you who have been hounding me about my neglected blog. It was time to jump back on the bandwagon again :)

Well, well, well. I've been off in la-la-land doing lord knows what and not focusing on taking care of myself. It's time to recommit. It's time to recognize that the only thing holding me back from my true potential is, well, me. I still haven't figured out why I have such a hard time seeing myself at my goal weight. Is it because I have never been a 'normal' weight? Is it because I find myself, at 32 years old, the smallest I've ever been in my adult life? Why, when I am so busy working 3 jobs, raising a 6-year old (almost entirely on my own), coaching soccer, playing soccer, and whatever other activities I can find.. do I still feel like I am not the person I was meant to be?

I've decided to take a new approach. I fired the 'weight loss doctor'. I don't need him to tell me what to do. In all honesty, I know what to do... I just need to do it. I contemplated going back to weight watchers because for a long time, it was what worked for me. If I'm going to be honest though, I got really good at 'working' the program 5 days a week and doing whatever I wanted the other two. NOT GOOD. I'm going to focus on eating whole foods (lean proteins, fruits/veggies, whole grains) in moderation. For me, that's the key. Moderation is not something that comes naturally to me. I tend to overindulge. Ok. I don't just tend to... I over-eat, over-booze, over-everything. I know what moderation is. Portion control. One glass of wine instead of the whole bottle (but if my glass can hold a whole bottle does that count? haha. I kid.) I'm going back to the basics. It's what I need to do for me. Since I'm being honest here, I'll just say that I'm tired. I'm tired of fluctuating the same 10 lbs. over and over. I'm tired of the lack of accountability I hold for myself (when so many others rely on me to hold them accountable). I'm exhausted from all the excuses I make for eating like crap (can we all say chips and dips??).

I have a LOT of stuff going on the next few weeks. Sister birthday, grandma birthday, my birthday, trip to the gorge to see dave matthews. These cannot be excuses for me to overindulge. Sure, I know that I am going to get shit-faced drunk at the minimum one night at the gorge. I must plan accordingly. This will be the test. Can I get myself back on track during what will most likely be the busiest 2 weeks this year? I'm counting on it.

being honest

The last 2 weeks have been the most emotionally draining, exhausting weeks I've had in a very long time. I'm full of anger and sadness all at once. I won't be going into details, but let's just say that I hope to never experience these emotions again.

So, here's the real honesty. The last 2 weeks I've lived basically on fast food. Lunch, dinner, red bull. I'm disgusted with myself and there's not really any excuse. I was busy, hurting, trying to just make it through each day with some sort of functionality. I've gained probably 10 lbs. Sure, most of it will be water retention from the sodium, but some of it is certainly from my diet of taco bells and sonics. I woke up monday morning ready to get back to my own life. I'm on the right eating track, planning ahead. I even went and played tennis for a while yesterday. I'm teaching double spins tonight too. I hate the bumps in the road, but it's definitely another great reminder that of this:

Happiness isn't something ready made. It comes from your own actions.

I love when things go the way I want. When I can see results after working so hard at something. This weeks weigh-in update.... down 3 more lbs.!! Hooray! I am still shrinking, still on a mission and that much closer to all of my goals. Now I am just a measley 6 lbs. from the -150 mark. 6 lbs. I can do it! I plan on a lot of extra workouts, being back on my plan 87% (a girl needs some wine every once in a while) and really just all around kicking ass. I am planning to post a 'before' and after picture for all to see... however, the only pic I can find is me about 15 lbs. lighter than my heaviest. Although, I am pretty sure that when you are that big, 15 lbs. isn't gonna show.

Happy dance! Happy dance!

Something's coming, I don't know what it is but it is gonna be great.

If you haven't seen Westside Story, then you probably don't remember the song with that line in it. But I do cause it's: #1. one of my favorite movies ever and #2. a great line. But the truth is, I do know what's coming. There is a HUGE milestone in my weightloss journey coming up. HUGE. I am just 9 lbs. away from having lost a grand total of 150 lbs. It's a little strange to think that I've lost an entire person. I am super excited to hit that number. So, tonight I have my weekly weigh-in. I am ready... I wish it was now so I could see how much closer I am.

Wish me luck!

I've been taking happy pills. Ok, not really, but I've been doing little things to make big changes in my life. I'm reading a money management book by Suze Orman. I decided that it's time to take control of my finances and really work towards getting into a house. Sure, I've talked about it many, many times before... but I never really took any steps towards acheiving it. I now have my first credit card, have made my first purchase and also my first payment. I also started watching Hoarders and am pretty sure that show has given me OCD. All I want to do is clean. I want to sort and organize and dust and get rid of anything that really means nothing. I'm doing it at work and at home. I reorganized the plants in my little garden area, pulled weeds and am starting to hang some of my birdhouses and knick-knacks. I'm cleaning out boxes of stuff that have been in my closet for 6 years. I'm getting rid of clothes that don't fit me anymore. I'm focusing my energy on all things positive. After all, energy flows where attention goes right? I'm treating myself the way I should be treating myself. I take a moment each day to focus on seeing myself at my goal weight. Each day I focus on one meal at a time. Mentally, I'm in such a good place right now it's almost scary! So, here's what all that positive change and focus has done:

total lost in 15 weeks: 41 lbs.
total fat % lost: down another 3%
lean muscle gain: 3 lbs. (pretty darn good for not lifting a single weight over the past few weeks)

So, here's what I've got going on now. My silly husband has bet me $50 that I can't lose 29 lbs. before my birthday. Ha! I suppose I should thank him for lighting the fire under my ass again cause I am on a mission to make that man pay. I am refocused, re-energized and ready to meet next big goal. I've got healthy recipes ready, workouts planned and a new belt that will show me some extra progress since it can't just be about the number on the scale, now can it?

Redemption Song (cue a little Bob Marley)

There have been things that happened to me when I was bigger that have really stuck with me. Mentally, these are the things that really mess with my head and self esteem just when I think I've overcome them. This weekend, I got redemption from at least one of those things. It was a nice reminder of where I've come from and a swift kick in the pants reminder of where I'm headed.

Flashback about 5 years. There I was, at my heaviest, and in complete denial of how big I really was. I was on the road to nowhere, fast. I went with my family down to the waterfront during Rose Festival. Every year, during the first part of June, the Rose Festival takes over Portland with it's parades and events and the waterfront village. For those of you that don't know, the waterfront village is basically a giant carnival with rides, games, food and concerts. Anyway, my sister and I were riding rides and people watching when I saw this super fun ride that I really wanted to go on. Basically, you sit in a seat with the bars that come down over you and the thing spins in a giant circle, then turns on it's side and then turns upside down (all while spinning). I love stuff like that, so I forked over the tickets and got on. But then, disaster. I didn't fit... and the nasty, meth-head carni came over, tried to push the bar down and when it wouldn't, he said, 'suck it in' and then proceeded to slam the bars down onto my chest as hard as he could. I was mortified. I was humiliated. I was hurt, both physically and emotionally. I quietly exited the ride with my head hung in shame and cried. My sister was furious and wanted to go back to tell the guy off, but all I wanted to do was run away. That was one of those moments being super heavy, that has stuck with me all these years. I wouldn't wish that on anyone else. Ever.

Flashforward to Friday night. There I was, walking around the Rose Festival with a couple friends, when I saw it. The very same ride. It was too good to be true. I decided that this was my chance to remind myself how far I've come. I told my 2 friends what had happened to me the last time I'd been on that ride and how I really really wanted to go get some redemption. Matt was convinced. He even ponied up the tickets for me! (Thanks Matt) And we went and watched it for a minute. I started getting a little nervous about it and told my other friend that I didn't think I was going to fit. She kindly told me to shut the hell up and to get on. I got on and started really worrying that I wasn't going to fit, but then I sat down and... I fit... and there was extra room. I nervously asked the guy working if it fit ok and he said it looked fine and made sure the bar wouldn't lift up at all and that was that. The ride started, I laughed my ass off and I got my redemption. Best $4 spent ever. I really needed that. Another little reminder of who I used to be, and who I am now. Booyah!

On another note, I am back on track with my eating and my workouts and headed right back down my path never traveled. Sure, I've still got 35 lbs. to drop to make my birthday goal, but you know what? I can do anything I set my mind to. Just watch me.