loser.

i'm losing again, but in the good way. i am once more seeing those results i've been seeking. i started refocusing 3 weeks ago. refocusing on everything i know is important. watching what i eat (although i will admit i've had my fare share of pizza slices and glasses of wine over the last couple weeks). i walk into the gym with 'killing it' on my mind. i'm taking 20 minutes a day just for myself to do something i love, reading. i'm standing up for myself. i'm staying positive through the ups and downs of raising a 6 year old. i'm happy to report i am down a total of 18 lbs. sure, this just puts me at 252, but you know what that means... i was back up to 270 and miserable. my clothes were getting snug. my size 16 jeans that i love so dearly were barely fitting. i hate that i let myself get back up to that number. but, i'm embracing it as a reminder of where i was and why i never want to go there again. isn't that what this journey is all about? facing my fears head on? you might wonder what it is i would be afraid of, but let me tell you, there is plenty. i've been overweight my entire life (when doctors ask when i became overweight i joke that it was at birth). i have no idea what life is like for a person who is a normal weight. i fear myself and what will become of me. i bet that's hard to understand. but, as someone who has been overweight forever, it has always been my personality that either made me or broke me. there have been plenty of times where i've been instantly rejected for my size. but on the other hand, there have been times (especially in certain social situations) where it's been exclusively my personality that has made me shine. i fear that losing weight will remove all of the barriers and walls i've put up to hide that deep down i am insecure and bitchy and judgemental and lacking in outside stimuli (as my grandma would say). i'm afraid of losing my drive and spark and all the other things that make me who i am. kind of ridiculous right?? but here i am, at constant battle with all of these emotions on a daily basis. so i've formulated a plan to keep fighting the good fight. here's what i've got:

1. accept the things i cannot change and change the things i can.
2. focus on conscious eating. every meal. every day.
3. try one new thing everytime i walk in the gym. whether it's a new ab exercise or those damn box jumps that taunt me.
4. work on getting over myself. this is my journey and is part of who i am. accept it leeann. sheesh.

i'm sure i'll come up with more to add to the list. but for now, these are the things i will focus on.

i'm baaaaaaaaaaacccccckkkk!!!

yeah baby. it's me. that girl who's been at battle with herself. fighting the good fight. it's true, i'm back. back at the gym full force. back on the soccer field with a vengeance. back on track to drop this extra weight. back to shucking the oysters of life.

so what gives? where did it all go and how did i get it back? well, i can't really say where it went cause i don't know. i couldn't seem to find it. i was lost without a phone call, without a map and without the drive to find the way myself. but, here i am with the fire inside again ready to take on the world. ready for change. i'm back to making healthy food choices. i'm on point at the gym. in fact, i even joined a new gym to mix things up. Crunch. it's awesome. they have different equipment, better treadmills, different classes and those damn boxes. i have a mental block when it comes to those darn things. i freak myself out. i feel like an idiot. but, it's my goal every time i walk through the doors at crunch to do a box jump. so far, so good. i've picked up another cycle class to teach so i'm now at 3 classes a week and pick-up when i can. i'm playing soccer on sundays with 2 different teams. i'm working out with someone who can push me as hard as my trainer. i'm back in the game and loving it.

i have pneumonia. i'm sick and whiney and i don't feel good. that's all.

There's really no questioning my drive and ambition when it's turned up to high. I'm focused. I've got my eyes on the prize or the tiger or whatever motivational quote you can come up with. Yet, here I am, still stuck in this rut. I had a really long talk with my inner self last night that went something like this:

Her: Why are you not losing weight anymore?
Me: Because I can't see myself thinner than I am and for some reason already feel like I've failed when the real fight is just beginning.
Her: Well, what the hell. You need to snap out of that this instant.
Me: I am sick and I don't feel like doing anything except whining and eating rainbow sherbet.
Her: Teach your class. Eat some soup. Drink some water. Get some sleep. Get your head back in the game.
Me: Ugh. It's not that simple.
Her: It is that simple. One meal and one step at a time. You can do this.


And so, the battle within my own head continues. The good side always reminding me of how far I've come, what I've accomplished and the endless possibilities of what lies ahead. The bad side always reminding me of my failures, my poor choices, my need for instant gratification. I know what needs to be done. It's time to pull out the duct tape and shut that bad mouthing other side of me up once and for all.

why all the silent treatment...

I've neglected this blog once again. The thing about writing about losing weight and working out is that when it's good, it's really good. Weight comes off and muscles get stronger. When it's bad though, it's really bad. There's weight gain and pants get tighter and that endorphin high is barely there or nonexistent. Self esteem becomes like a shrinky-dink in the oven... shriveling into little pieces of it's former self.

This is where I find myself now.

Up a few pounds. Disenchanted with life. Unhappy with myself. Upset that I let myself get to this point again. Angry that I so easily let the actions of other people affect how I feel about myself. Sad that I forget just how far I've come and how hard I had to work to get here. I rejoined Weight Watchers in the hopes that it would kick my ass into gear again. It hasn't. The thing about Weight Watchers (or any other weight loss program) is that it really only works if you follow the program and show up for your weigh-in. Duh. I though that putting my bodybugg back on would get me back on track. Meh. It's (my calorie burn) slowly working it's way back to where I want it to be. I feel like one of those ladies on the lifeline commercials. "I've fallen, and I can't get up." I feel like I'm drowning. Now if I could just figure out how to get back to the surface for a little air....

Going back to what works... for me.

There are a lot of things I know. There are a lot of things I don't know. For instance, I know that I cannot work-out my way thin. It's just not possible, I know because I've tried. 80% food/20% exercise is completely true (darn trainers know everything). I know that I cannot starve myself thin. I know this because I just did 2 weeks on some ridiculous diet that was virtually vegetables and protein shakes (blech!!). Sure, I lost 17 lbs., but here I am 2 weeks later and 10 of those stupid lbs. are back. I know that my weight is a battle I will struggle with for the rest of my life. There is really no getting around that. My 78 year old grandma lost 100 lbs. last year (by eating 1000 calories or less a day). It was the 3rd time in her life she's lost 100 lbs. I know that I don't want to keep losing the same weight again and again and wake up at 77 years old and decide that's when I'm going to make it work. No no no. I know that I've been wasting time deciding how I'm going to eat (all while stuffing my face with all the things I shouldn't be eating). I don't know why. I don't know why I treat junk food better than I treat friends. Sure, it's always been there for me... but it's like a toxic friend. One who is around just to cut you down and make you feel terrible about yourself so they can feel better. Well, I do know this. It has to end. Now. I'm going back. Back to Weight Watchers. Sure, there are people out there who don't agree with it or can't seem to make it work for them long term. I'm not one of those people. I've lost a very large portion of those 127 lbs. on WW and I know it works. I know that when I'm following WW, I don't feel deprived and I certainly don't feel guilty working one of my indulgences (like a beer or glass of wine) into my day. I know that there are 1,000's of people who have made WW work for them for life. I am going to be one of those people. No more starving myself or floundering around in mediocrity. No, no. This is where the road gets rough, but where I roll up my sleeves and get dirty dirty (in the good way).

It really is the little things....

Sometimes all I need is to be reminded of how far I've really come. That's what keeps me going. It's especially nice when I've fallen back into a rut and can't seem to climb back out of it.

Last night I decided I would go check out the clearance at Avenue. If you don't happen to know what Avenue is (I hate you... hahaha kidding), it's a clothing store for plus sizes. There was a time when I would shop at Avenue and I was close to the top end. I was wearing a size 26/28 top and trying desperately to not buy a size 30 pant (that's size 30, not waist 30). Those were the days where I wanted to hide. Oh wait, I did hide. I wore baggy clothes and only dark colors and hoped that I would blend in as much as possible. I was sad and miserable. But now I'm done hiding. I wear bright colors (sometimes) and clothes that fit. Oh, back to my story... so there I was in Avenue grabbing shirts and pants in all the wrong sizes. I don't wear a 22/24 top anymore and I certainly don't wear a size 22 jeans. Nope, not me. After changing most of my clothes down several sizes, I decided to try a pair of 18 jeans. Slid them on... and.... TOO BIG! Aaaahhh. I did a super happy little dance in the dressing room and then went and grabbed myself a pair of 16's. I didn't really have high hopes. I mean, come on... a 16. Me? In a 16? It just didn't seem like something that would happen. But I tried them and guess what? Oh, you've probably figured out by now that they fit! Perfectly. I almost cried. I have such a hard time seeing myself as smaller because, well, I've been big(ger) for as long as I can remember. In seventh grade, I remember a specific pair of shorts I wore to school (why my mother let me leave the house in them is beyond me), but they were jean shorts with this hideous flag fabric trim and they were a size 14. In seventh grade I wore a size 14. So, here I am... 20+ years later and finally getting close to that size again.

Maybe that's the little push I need to get me out of my rut. Well, that and the fact that it's winter so no more bbq's and summer ale's and depressed because it's so hot. (yes, i'm the weirdo who loves running in the rain like a kid... it makes my heart happy, so back off! haha)I've been thinking of ways I can mix things up as far as workouts. I've been working with my trainer. But what I really need more than anything, is for that fire to be lit under my ass again to eat right. "they" say it's 80% eating and 20% workouts... and you know what? "they" are right.